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I thought I was content, just being around the Society and watchingothers submit. The truth was I was hiding. Hiding from my desires andhiding from the belief that I could actually fulfill my dreams. I knowthat each of you reading this know what I am speaking of. It as if youare going through the motions, but not really alive. You know there ismore out there, but you sit idly by waiting for it to come slap you inface.That was me, one foot in the vanilla world, one foot in the Fem Dommeworld. I actually felt fortunate that I was able to live in both worldswith some success, but looking back I now realize just how unfulfillingthat existence was. Not belonging, not being the property of another isnot being alive it is existing.I believe in past lives. I do! How else could you possibly explain mydesire to submit to the neighborhood girls when I was only 7 or 8? Howelse do you explain thoughts in my head at age 12 or 13 I should get onhormones now, when I knew nothing about such. ’ ‘Not all of them, not my Tommy.’ ‘He will. Anyway, he’s not going to be on his own, is he? We’re going to have you right as rain soon, you’ll see.’ And then she’d do her little chuckle and say, ‘Yes, and pigs might fly, dear. I have to face facts, Glenys. I know this thing’s going to get me in the end, so there’s no need to pretend on my account, honestly.’ I must have given something away in my expression just at that moment, because I felt so sad for her. I felt like I was letting her down by not helping her to believe she was going to get better. ‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘I’m not afraid for myself, only for Tommy. I won’t be here to nag him, will I? He needs someone to chivvy him along all the time. I bet he’ll never do any washing, or eat properly, or have a shave, get his hair cut.’ And we’d burst into laughter at the thought of Tommy with a beard and long hair, possibly getting to look a bit like Catweazle. Her humour and humility were amazing. ‘You’ve got your family,’ I.
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