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Talk about taking your breath away! All Joanie could say was, ‘Wow!’ We must have stood there for at least 10-minutes watching clouds slowly drift by in the moonlight, before I took Joanie’s hand and restarted our hike. ‘Thanks Mark. That was special.’ Joanie said softly as we walked side by side. ‘Yeah, I thought you’d like it. I come up here from time to time to admire the view. Always thought that I’d like to have a home someday that had a view like this.’ ‘That would be so cool….’ Joanie echoed. ‘I think I could handle that.’ As we walked into the forest, the trees began to block out the light from the moon requiring us to rely upon our flashlights as we tried to stay on trail. It must have been another 20-minutes before we broke out of this stand of trees into another clearing. This time the clearing opened to a small stream. We must have been hiking for the better part of an hour so I broke out one of our sleeping bags so we could sit down and rest without getting dirty.. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how.
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