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The determination I used to keep inside me, the determination that one day I would see someone again – but I can hardly remember his name anymore. It was a man. Was it my father, or someone else? The sense that I was ... was ... who was I? I have almost forgotten now. Now I am the girl who is loved, because she is obedient. Fulfilled, because she serves. Safe, because she is confined. Happy, because she exists only for others. Her superiors. Her owners. Everywhere I look now, the image is repeated. Gently, persistently, beautifully, happily repeated: you are rabinya.I will not be able to hold on to ... to ... Jennifer Karin McEwan for much longer. She is like the sand in an hour glass. Each day more and more of her flows away and very soon now there will be nothing left. The pictures are helping to do it and they are everywhere I look. On the walls, in my cell, in my head after I close my eyes to sleep.Everywhere the pictures whisper to me, "rabinya!"Has the time come at last? To let. The online trolling had started as well and there were some nasty comments on some of the ex-service websites and groups that said what a lucky bastard I’d been and it was obvious why I’d not been in a rush to get out, I fumed, like I had any fucking option. Others, including some on my regiments’ Facebook page, had pondered how a God fearing and honourable former member of the regiment like me should have fought my way out or died trying rather than submit to what we did. The media was full of comment of course, after all the court case was yet to come and people wrote that we were far too convincing and surely we were part of it. That element didn’t stop until everything came out in the trial and the three people that had died already were mentioned and the BBC were allowed to show their video of the Big Brother Hole, the journalist digging at the soft earth sides and the crane and finally the scale of thing was seen for what it was. I closed my Facebook account for the time.
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