" I smiled back at her.I wanted to ask her what she was forgiving me for, but I think I knew. She must have known somehow about Rebecca. Then she closed her eyes, never to open them again.I continued to keep her drip going, giving her the pain injections every two hours, day and night, until the morning of her last breath. For a couple of hours her breathing was eratic, shallow sometimes, other times deep. There was a final exhalation, then she was still.It was my wife's wish that she be cremated. She didn't want any formal funeral or service, just that her closest family and friends get together and remember her and have a few drinks. She specified that her ashes were not to be kept, but instead be scattered in her two favorite places, Maui and Napa Valley.True to her wishes, I drove up to Napa Valley a few days after her cremation and scattered about half of her ashes, a little at each one of the vineyards of her favorite wineries. And a few days after that I flew to Maui.I was. As director of IT infrastructure for a large company, a number of people worked for me and my responsibilities were extensive. I am a professional woman, held in respect by my colleagues and responsible for significant budgets and projects. But I was preparing to enter a life of servitude, where I would lose myself, my identity, to someone else. At least? outside the workplace. The excitement and anticipation was almost more than I could bear. I had already been living with Jason for a year, and had adopted many of the trappings that would become my life. He already dominated me, and I submitted to him at all times. But the wedding tomorrow would cement our relationship, making it legally and psychologically permanent. The feeling of desire for him, for the finality of this step, overwhelmed me and distracted me as I reviewed network layouts, approved specifications, and made recommendations on budgets. All through the day, I felt sexual. I felt aroused. I felt? wet, between my legs..
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