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I wish he had at least put a big dildo inside me.A few days later I am serving him the omelet I have cooked just the way he likes before squatting at his side naked at the kitchen table while he eats and reads the newspaper and gives me little sips of coffee before I lace up his work boots for him and he goes to work. I am still completely smitten. Every time I think about that night, I want to hug myself or reach for his cock, which is, of course, forbidden without permission. Now I allow myself just one small kiss on his jean-covered calf. He does not reach down and strike me.?You?re going to do something else new for me this weekend,? he says instead. I say nothing.?We?re going to borrow your friend?s house. The one in horse country,? he says. ?The weather?s cool, and there?ll be nobody around on the other farms, and besides your little pal has a lot of land. And I am going to tie you to a tree and beat the shit out of you so you scream and scream, with no gag, because nobody can. By the end, you will know all that I have discovered about this man child that has actually been significant in my life, unbeknownst to me until now. I like sex. I like the pleasure of feeling a man’s body against my own, hearing him gasp when he slides inside of me. I like strong hands gripping my hips, pulling my hair, and even squeezing my neck as I reach oblivion. In those moments, every orgasm, I am empty of all hurt and taunting thoughts. For that finite amount of time, my brain stops and I feel light in every nerve ending. I become a spirit, floating outside of my quaking human form, and hearing my moans and breath in the distance as if they were coming from somewhere else. I am released from bondage of anxiety and brokenness, until the moment passes, the shaking subsides and my spirit form is forced to return to its hollow shell. Then the longing begins again. The more times in one night I can fulfill my hunger for release, the smaller the ravenous monster of desire comes.
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