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Freedom to be who I wanted to be. Freedom not to be caught in the box of pre-prescribed gender. Yes, I understood how Ben felt I humiliated him first, and wanted a release. But this was just bad blood building on bad blood. We needed to get that out of the way, and start, if possible, with a clean slate.I picked up the phone and dialed Ben's cell phone number, he picked up almost instantly, "Ben its Patricia." There was a long pause, "Lance" he said simply. His tone of voice was devoid of emotion, it was difficult for me to read. "No actually, its Patricia. I want to try to get together and talk." Another long pause. "I don't think that's best, actually". His sentences had the clipped neutral sound of someone who couldn't, or didn't want to, talk. I could sense this conversation was going nowhere. "Ben, listen. I'm going to the Corner Leaf Cafe in an hour. It's a good ways off campus and students don't go there much. I hope you'll join me. Bye."*******The cafe was nearly empty,. I want to take mypicture, to remember this forever. For the first time, I really look likea teenaged girl, ready to party, ready to be fucked; to be fucked by MattFrawley, and then fucked by all those cruel boys in the locker room. I let that fantasy linger as I walk around the apartment, practicingwalking in 5 inch heals. The straps dig into my ankle and the soles of myfeet are soon killing me, but when I check the full length mirror on mymom's closet door I see that it's worth every bit of my pain. Theelevation of my heels elongates my calves and makes my legs worth of apop star diva. I turn and pose, throw my head back and pout. I lookgreat. I am happy for the first time that I can remember.The second Diane tablet hits with a rush, and I feel week and dizzy. Ilaugh to myself that two at a time is too much of a good thing. I fantasizeabout Matt and his friend Eric pumping at my mouth and ass in unison. Theemotional rush weakens me even more, and I stagger to the living room.
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