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I felt likemy life was meaningless, here I was, apparently in the prime of my life cominghome and going to bed at 9 O?clock with a mug of hot chocolate. I dressed in thesame clothes I?d worn for years, a brown suit and flat shoes for work. Nomake-up. I felt like there was no way anyone would find me attractive. I woulddream of meeting a man who would treat me like a sex goddess, who would beconsumed by passion and fuck me wherever he could. I imagined that I was glamorousand irresistible and then I would open my eyes again and realise that I wasn?t. Thatevening I had vowed that I couldn?t go on like that. That I had to changesomething; that I had to see someone and ask for help. I didn?t want to wastemy life. I also felt though that I was a hopeless cause and that it would takea miracle to undo what I?d turned into. My friends seemed quite happy to besingle and didn?t seem interested in men at all, so I didn?t think that they?dbe much help. I was unsure about how to start anything. When her rebellion against her parent figures had been appeased, and with her developing maturity, she had begun to realize that all human beings are different, with diverse interests, sexual appetites, and preferences. She had begun visiting her parents' house again, primarily to see her mother, whom she had gradually been able to identify with and understand. She had been seeing her father almost daily at the University and in clinical practice, so her parents' home visits were to bond with her mother again.Her mother cried as if she had been dead and come back from the tomb the first weekend that she stayed and slept in her old room in almost five years. Her mother was forty eight years old, but looked older; her life had been empty devoid of love and intimacy for much of her existence, and had taken its toll. Her aging wasn't so much physical as spiritual; she retained much of her physical beauty, but loneliness was slowly withering her. Oh, she went out with her old time friends.
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