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This was reinforced when the dress was suddenlyunavailable.I secretly borrowed clothes from my sister for the next 14-16 years, thesewere worn as often as possible, often under my regular boy clothes. I knewI should not feel bad about my desire to be a girl, this wasn't a choiceor something I had asked for, it was just the way I was. I challenged mymum with this info, as in, it can't just be me - I was somehow aware thatthis sort of thing might be genetic!At around age 15, I had developed a routine of going out at night for awalk, as a girl, not in drag. I was spotted and reported to the police bythe milkman's delivery boys - they had seen me climbing through the windowof my parents home (the quietest way of getting in and out). The policewere called and my parents made their excuses.The situation was brought to a head.I was sent to a child therapist who through a series of 4 or 5 sessionsand one family session determined that I was jealous of my sister - shewas the eldest and never. I just slid into my seat as usual between Jackie and Craig. We always sat together in a little circle. I know it sounds stupid, but we did and it was.Suddenly, as I looked down and noticed Craig's muscular arm, I started to cry."Oh my gosh, what's wrong?" Jackie turned to me."I have no idea," I half laughed. But Ben knew."Come on," he said, and we left the room, while Ben mumbled some lame excuse to our advisor.We walked over towards our lockers, and I literally collapsed down in front of mine. Tears were streaming down my face, and I could hardly speak.I leaned against the locker and cried. What on earth was wrong with me? I was just sitting there balling my eyes out. Ben just sat down next to me, and wrapped his arms around me. I immediately tensed. I had no idea why either. It was like I was blocking myself from the possibility of loving him again. He rubbed my arm, "Shh, it's ok," trying to comfort me like people usually try to comfort others when they are crying. For some.
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